I wanted to say something about moving beyond our memories. Sounds like a strange thing to say. Who wants to forget about our life; people, places, things? Forgetting the bad, although sometimes we wish we would, is really what shapes us, I think, more than the good. The struggle, the feeling of rising above the challenge, is what gives us strength and character. We move beyond the the moment and push it back in our memory box, because that is what we do, as human beings. We are innately compelled to get back up and put things back together. There are a million books to help us do this.
But those aren't the memories I am talking about. I am talking about moving beyond the good memories. Those are the ones that hold us back. The fear of not recovering or of never feeling that great again is what keeps us stuck where we are.
I never thought about it much. The memories we have sustain us, give us hope for more good things to come.
And then my childhood piano rolled out the door. Forty-seven years of music were on those keys. It hit me. Selling my house, moving on to who knows what. I wasn't afraid of the future, in terms of money, love or a place to live. It was that I may never have the chance to have those memories. You see I have moved my family quite a bit. Usually because of money issues, husband issues (which caused the money issues), my desire for my children to have a better education, basically striving to give my children a better future.
My home, the one I just sold, was the place I'd lived in the longest. None of my children lived there, unless you count my 25 years old son who was in the basement for 3 years LOL. No, my memories come from the grandchildren. This was "Grandma Mary's House!" This was the place family, usually 25 plus, came for holidays, birthdays and reunions. Where, when everyone came home, there were bodies in beds, bodies on the sofa, bodies on the floor in sleeping bags, bodies on blow-up mattresses and cribs and changing tables in the hallway. It would get noisy and crazy and I LOVED IT!! Nothing made me happier...AND NOW IT WAS GONE!!!
I have to believe that the Lord has sent me on this journey for a reason and that the blessings of a big family aren't lost to a house, but will reinvent themselves in new traditions that my children will navigate amongst themselves.
So it is on to new and different things. Hard to imagine they could ever be better, because they have already been so wonderful. I have lived a very blessed life.
So next stop, Iowa, and grandbaby number 10!!
Monday, April 27, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
From the beginning
I am sitting in my hotel room in Houston, TX. Pouring rain outside is limiting my outings. I thought I should start at the beginning of where this all started. Of course, I think we all, at one time or another, wish they could take a hiatis from their life. I certainly have. I read the book and saw the movie Eat, Pray, Love. But for most of us, that isn't a realistic venture. Money, time, family, jobs and plain fear would keep most of us right where we are. I thought to myself, the other day, if anyone would have said a year ago that I would be sitting in the chapel of a small branch in New Orleans, LA today, I would have laughed it off as a wishful joke. But there I was. The fourth city I had visited on my journey.
So how did this all come about? It was around this time, last April, that I found out that several of the children, in my daycare, were leaving. One was moving (my granddaughter), another aged out and another was going to be cared for her grandparents. For the first time in almost 30 years of daycare, I didn't have any new prospects, no one on the waiting list.
By September I was down to only one child. In anticipation of the slow down I decided it was time to sell my home. It had gotten to be a lot of work for one person and I wanted to get out before (just in case) I had to start missing payments or lose it all together. So I listed it the first week of September.
So now what do I do? Questions I had to ask myself and God. I had been made Primary president just the month before. Do I stay in the area, and in my ward (congregation) boundaries? Look for another house and continue running my family daycare? Maybe find a duplex or other less expensive property. Is this where I go to the Dominican Republic to live and volunteer for The Dream Project, something that has always been in my mind. Then another thought came to me, as the weather was getting more winter-like... Maybe this is where I go to look for a warmer climate, a different profession, I'd like to say, a new me, but by my age you realize there is no such thing.
And so I looked at houses, talked to people and then talked to my Heavenly Father. Nothing seemed to stand out. I didn't really feel that anything was right or wrong. My sister and I had always talked about moving together, somewhere warm. Problem was she liked the southeast and I liked the southwest. I also worried she would never move. You see, she is one of those people who has a hard time letting go of things. I think she is afraid of that unknown, out there. I know she will disagree with me. I finally decided that when the house sold, we would hit the road. Funny thing was, that when I made that decision, it was the one that ultimately I felt good about. That 's the thing about having a long, ongoing, relationship with God. You figure out how he speaks to you. For me, when something isn't right, I will keep going over it, in my mind. I will say to myself, "This is what I am going to do, I have made my decision!" Then I will spend the next few days going over it again, weight the pros and cons until I finally realize...THIS IS MY STUPOR OF THOUGHT! (D&C 99:9).
The house finally sold, My sister decided not to go with me, but I still felt like I should head to the southeast. Charlotte, Charleston, Savannah, New Orleans and Houston. Phase I.
So how did this all come about? It was around this time, last April, that I found out that several of the children, in my daycare, were leaving. One was moving (my granddaughter), another aged out and another was going to be cared for her grandparents. For the first time in almost 30 years of daycare, I didn't have any new prospects, no one on the waiting list.
By September I was down to only one child. In anticipation of the slow down I decided it was time to sell my home. It had gotten to be a lot of work for one person and I wanted to get out before (just in case) I had to start missing payments or lose it all together. So I listed it the first week of September.
So now what do I do? Questions I had to ask myself and God. I had been made Primary president just the month before. Do I stay in the area, and in my ward (congregation) boundaries? Look for another house and continue running my family daycare? Maybe find a duplex or other less expensive property. Is this where I go to the Dominican Republic to live and volunteer for The Dream Project, something that has always been in my mind. Then another thought came to me, as the weather was getting more winter-like... Maybe this is where I go to look for a warmer climate, a different profession, I'd like to say, a new me, but by my age you realize there is no such thing.
And so I looked at houses, talked to people and then talked to my Heavenly Father. Nothing seemed to stand out. I didn't really feel that anything was right or wrong. My sister and I had always talked about moving together, somewhere warm. Problem was she liked the southeast and I liked the southwest. I also worried she would never move. You see, she is one of those people who has a hard time letting go of things. I think she is afraid of that unknown, out there. I know she will disagree with me. I finally decided that when the house sold, we would hit the road. Funny thing was, that when I made that decision, it was the one that ultimately I felt good about. That 's the thing about having a long, ongoing, relationship with God. You figure out how he speaks to you. For me, when something isn't right, I will keep going over it, in my mind. I will say to myself, "This is what I am going to do, I have made my decision!" Then I will spend the next few days going over it again, weight the pros and cons until I finally realize...THIS IS MY STUPOR OF THOUGHT! (D&C 99:9).
The house finally sold, My sister decided not to go with me, but I still felt like I should head to the southeast. Charlotte, Charleston, Savannah, New Orleans and Houston. Phase I.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
On my way!
Life is full of challenges,some are small, like having to paint a 2400 sq. foot home all by yourself and some are unfathomable, death, divorce, or abuse come to mind. All are subjective, affecting each of us in differing degrees. At some point most, if not all, of us will find ourselves at the bottom of a cavern who's walls seem to stretch infinitely into oblivion.
Yet one somehow, someway climbs their way out into the sunshine. I believe it is the blessing of the journey, climbing out of that deep crevasse, that teaches us what we need to learn to follow the path the Lord has for each of us.
I have heard the words adventurous, courageous, woman of faith, to describe my current journey. Funny thing is I don't feel like any of those adjectives apply to me. I just see myself doing what I needed to do.
And so starts this particular climb. Do I go forth with faith? I couldn't do this without it, so, ok, I am indeed a woman of great faith. My mantra is this, I know the Lord has a plan for ME. I may not know what it is, but He does and that is enough for me. It is now my responsibility to listen to His messenger, the Holy Ghost (Spirit) and follow His voice. Here is the thing, we all know we don't always listen, at least not right away. I think the reason we fail to head the promptings is mostly because of fear. We say we have faith, but when the outcome is unforeseeable, fear kicks in, or pride. Staying with what we know, is always so much easier than venturing out, beyond what we can see.
So here I am. In a hotel room, in New Orleans, writing my story in hopes that it may encourage others to push their faith and truly believe that our Heaven Father loves us enough to guide us and push or pull us so we end up where it is we belong. When you get to the point where that faith truly gets you beyond the fear...you are on your way. Not saying the fear subsides. I have doubt everyday, am I doing the right thing, maybe I should go back home, go back to my job, do what is safe. And then I remind myself, with the help of others who have come into my life, to be patient. Work the plan. God let's me know, through others, I need to stay on the path.
And so I am. Learning along the way to have patience with myself (the hardest thing for me), to enjoy my own company, and listen! Listen to that still, small voice inside of me.
Yet one somehow, someway climbs their way out into the sunshine. I believe it is the blessing of the journey, climbing out of that deep crevasse, that teaches us what we need to learn to follow the path the Lord has for each of us.
I have heard the words adventurous, courageous, woman of faith, to describe my current journey. Funny thing is I don't feel like any of those adjectives apply to me. I just see myself doing what I needed to do.
And so starts this particular climb. Do I go forth with faith? I couldn't do this without it, so, ok, I am indeed a woman of great faith. My mantra is this, I know the Lord has a plan for ME. I may not know what it is, but He does and that is enough for me. It is now my responsibility to listen to His messenger, the Holy Ghost (Spirit) and follow His voice. Here is the thing, we all know we don't always listen, at least not right away. I think the reason we fail to head the promptings is mostly because of fear. We say we have faith, but when the outcome is unforeseeable, fear kicks in, or pride. Staying with what we know, is always so much easier than venturing out, beyond what we can see.
So here I am. In a hotel room, in New Orleans, writing my story in hopes that it may encourage others to push their faith and truly believe that our Heaven Father loves us enough to guide us and push or pull us so we end up where it is we belong. When you get to the point where that faith truly gets you beyond the fear...you are on your way. Not saying the fear subsides. I have doubt everyday, am I doing the right thing, maybe I should go back home, go back to my job, do what is safe. And then I remind myself, with the help of others who have come into my life, to be patient. Work the plan. God let's me know, through others, I need to stay on the path.
And so I am. Learning along the way to have patience with myself (the hardest thing for me), to enjoy my own company, and listen! Listen to that still, small voice inside of me.
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